Use Information Gathering Questions (open questions)

• If there was one small way that things could be better starting today, what would that be?
• How did you feel when…?
• How could you have handled it differently?
• When did it began?
• When did you first notice…?
• When did that happen?
• Where did it happen?
• What was that all about?
• What happened then?
• What would you like to do about it?
• I want to understand from your perspective, would you please tell me again?
• What do you think would make this better going forward?
• What criteria did you use to…?
• What’s another way you might…?
• What resources were used for the project?
• Tell me more about… (not a question, but an open ended prompt)

A type of question to watch out for is Leading Questions, which provides a direction or answer for someone to agree or disagree with. An example would be, “So you are going to vote for____ for president, aren’t you?” or “What they did is unbelievable, don’t you agree?”  These questions can easily be turned into information gathering questions, “Who are you going to vote for this year?” or “What do you this about their behavior?”

Developing Assertive Messages

Boundaries

One word that is often used for being assertive in our society today is to draw or hold our “boundaries”.  In a physical space, boundaries are easy to identify, such as a fence, stop signs, or a door. Boundaries in our social experiences are not as easy to identify but are just as real and important as physical boundaries. Fences and doors tell us where it is safe to go, and how to behave.  The same is true when we assert our social boundaries. You can think of them as the invisible fences or doors we draw in our lives. Asserting our social boundaries, tell those around us what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable in our interaction, they are the guidelines and rules we provide people around us for how we want our relationship with them to look.

A basic act of being assertive is simply saying “no”.  Saying no without little white lies or justifying why you are saying no takes some practice.  Have you ever been invited out with friends but didn’t want to go?  Did you make something up? “I’m busy” when really you just don’t want to go out.  Being assertive at that moment looks like “I really appreciate the offer, and I hope you invite me in the future, but no, I just need some me time”.

Decreasing defensiveness

One of the ways we can decrease the possibility of the receiver becoming defensive and demonstrating supportiveness is to focus on describing our feelings rather than evaluating the people causing the problem we have.  When we describe our feelings, we begin by giving our relational partner insight into the specific emotion we are experiencing. Then, we tell them what specific behavior is causing us to feel the way we are. Then, we provide two possible reasons or interpretations of why they might be exhibiting the behavior we do not like. Finally, we conclude by explaining the consequence their behavior will have on our relationship if it continues. Throughout your communication of “I-Messages”, you must be sure you are helping your partner/friend/family member maintain their positive and negative face. We do not want to threaten either one during our interaction.

We can follow a simple 4-part formula.

Part One-Feeling: Clearly explain your feelings using the construction “I  feel ___________.” This must be a feeling. Stating “I feel you are lazy” will not have the intended effect. Refer back to the emotion wheel in chapter 6.1 for actual emotions.

Part Two-Behavior: Describe the other person’s behavior using the  construction “…when you __________________.” This is not a blaming statement. “I feel angry when you are a jerk” is not helpful. The purpose of this part of the formula is to state an observation. This means what you actually observed with no judgment.

Part Three-Interpretations: Give TWO possible interpretations of why the  other person may have behaved the way they did. (maybe they don’t  realize what they are doing? maybe they are just tired? maybe they are  too focused on their own problems? Remember we like our positive and  negative faces to remain unthreatened.) Two interpretations is key so you  don’t appear as though you know what motivates another person. You  aren’t a mind reader so don’t pretend to be. Here is a possible  construction to use: “I’m not sure if you __________________ or  __________________________.”

Part Four-Consequences: When another person’s behavior starts to  negatively affect you, you might notice that the behavior of others does in  fact have consequences for you and your relationship. In this last part of  your “I-Message,” explain how their behavior is impacting you and how it  might change your relationship. Are you going to have to change the way  you interact with them or will you have to use protective strategies to  maintain your sanity? Use this construction to communicate the  consequences: “If this keeps happening, I might need to  ______________.” OR “I might have to start _____________ in order to feel  better about our relationship.” OR “I think I should ____________ from  now on.”

Consider this: Maybe you’ve asked your romantic partner to pick up their socks and yet they still leave their socks all over the house. You don’t want to be aggressive and yell at them but you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. We can use “I-Messages” during these times.

So, here is a possible 4-part “I-Message” for your relational partner who  can’t seem to get their socks in the hamper (or laundry basket).

I feel frustrated (part one – feeling) when I see your socks all over our room (part two – observed behavior). I’m not sure if you are tired or just think I  have time to pick them up (part three – interpretations). If this keeps happening I would like to you do your own laundry (part four – consequence).

A few considerations for assertive statements:

• Focus on one behavior at a time.  If you have been more passive in your communications you might want to jump into drawing all the boundaries.  Pick one to start with and work from there
• Describe the behavior you chose to focus on in a nonjudgmental way (easier than it sounds) with nonjudgmental language.  Example – “When you don’t pick up your crap” vs “When you leave dirty laundry in the bathroom”
• Pick a very specific feeling and make sure it is actually a feeling – not a thought or judgment.
• Watch out for a feeling statement that says “I feel you…” the feeling word should describe your feeling in this situation, not be about the other person Example- “I feel like you don’t care” (not a feeling) vs “I feel hurt” 
• When you describe the consequences, be realistic about how someone’s behavior impacts you and what you think should be done. Don’t automatically suggest ending the relationship if that is not how you really feel. What would you like to see happen for your needs to be met?
• Use this template for positive reinforcement of behavior you want to keep seeing.  When you pick up your dirty clothes, I feel less stressed, because I don’t have to take time to pick them up.

Framing and Reframing