Key Takeaways
- Relationship dialectics are tensions that happen in a relationship.
- Understanding our dialectical perspectives can help us to communicate more effectively in our relationships.
Learning Objectives
We know that all relationships go through change. The changes in a relationship are often dependent on communication. When a relationship starts, there is typically a good deal of positive and frequent communication between the parties. However, sometimes couples experience a recurring problem and it is important for them to learn how to deal with this problem. Partners can’t always know what their significant other desires or needs from them. In addition, our lives are constantly changing and thus the effects on our relationships are also regularly changing. For example, consider a couple in which both partners have weekends off from work. But all of the sudden, one partner needs to start working weekends due to changes in the company. This couple will need to navigate this change and figure out what is best for each of them. How will they carve out time to spend together now that weekends aren’t a good option? How will they ensure they spend enough time together during the week? How much time will be enough and how much time will be too little?
Dialectics is not a new concept. In fact, communication researchers have been studying dialectics for some time. They are simply the pushes and pulls that can be found every day in relationships of all types. Conversation involves people who must learn to adapt to each other while still maintaining their individuality (Baxter, 2004). The theory emphasizes interactions allowing for more flexibility to explain how couples maintain a satisfactory, cohesive union. This perspective views relationships as simply managing the tensions that arise because they cannot be fully resolved. The management of the tensions is usually based on past experiences; what worked for a person in the past will be what they decide to use in the future. These tensions are both contradictory and interdependent because without one, the other is not understood.
Dialectical tension is how individuals deal with struggles in their relationships. There are opposing forces or struggles that couples have to deal with.
Below are common relational dialectics (Baxter, 1996).
This is a need to have a close connection with others as well as our need to have our own space and identity. We may miss our romantic partners when they are away but simultaneously enjoy and cherish that alone time. When you first enter a relationship, you may want to be around the other person as much as possible. As the relationship grows, you likely begin to desire fulfilling your need for autonomy, or alone time. In every relationship, each person must balance how much time to spend with the other, versus how much time to spend alone.
We desire predictability as well as spontaneity in our relationships. In our relationships, we take comfort in a certain level of routine as a way of knowing what we can count on the other person in the relationship. Such predictability provides a sense of comfort and security. However, it requires balance with novelty to avoid boredom. An example of balance might be friends who get together every Saturday for brunch but make a commitment to always try new restaurants each week.
This dialectic refers to the desire to be open and honest with others while at the same time not wanting to reveal everything about yourself to someone else. One’s desire for privacy does not mean they are shutting out others. It is a normal human need. We may disclose different levels of information at different stages of our relationship. We tend to disclose the most personal information to those with whom we have the closest relationships. You may remember that disclosure depends on the trust level of the other person. However, even the closest relationships may not know everything about us (think about the Johari Window).
This tension deals with self vs. others. Some couples are very similar in their thinking and beliefs. This is good because it makes communication easier and conflict resolution smoother. Yet, if partners are too similar, then they may not grow. Differences can create stimulation that helps people to grow and learn new things. While research indicates we all like to engage in relationships with those similar to us, we may have different needs for similarity and difference.
Couples will perceive some things as good and some things as bad within the relationship. Their perceptions of what is ideal may interfere with or inhibit perceptions of what is real. One common example is perceiving relationships depicted on social media as the goal for our own relationships, not taking into account that what is posted on social media is only a small percentage of those people’s lives. This ideal desire can interfere with what is real within the relationship and cause conflict.
Other ways of managing dialectical tensions may be:
• Denial is where we lean toward one end of the dialectic and ignore that the other side exists.
• Disorientation is where we feel overwhelmed and we may fight, freeze, or leave.
• Alternation is where we choose one end on different occasions based on contextual elements of the situation.
• Recalibration is reframing the situation or perspective. Think perception checking and working out alternatives to current perspectives.
• Segmentation is where we compartmentalize different areas. We may choose one side of a dialectic in our communication and one side of a dialectic in our time spent together.
• Balance is where we manage and compromise our needs.
• Integration is blending different perspectives.
• Reaffirmation is having the knowledge & accepting our differences.
Understanding our dialectical perspectives can help us to communicate our needs in relationships. Not everyone deals with dialectical tensions in the same way and there is no perfect way to balance dialectics. Some people will use a certain strategy during specific situations, and others will use the same strategy every time there is tension. You have to decide what is best for your relationship based on the situation.
Key Takeaways
Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M. (1996). Relating: Dialogues and dialectics. Guilford Press.
Baxter, L.A. (2004). A tale of two voices: Relational Dialectics Theory. The Journal of Family Communication, 4 (3 & 4), 181-192. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2004.9670130
Griffin, E.M. (2009). A first look at communication theory. McGraw Hill, pg. 115.