During our interaction with others, we may find that our needs are not being met. In some instances, it might be someone is taking advantage of you or making things difficult for you. They might want you to behave or respond in a certain way to something they are doing which you view is unfair or undesirable. In short, it’s causing a problem for you in some way. In other instances, the situation might be that someone has let you down yet again or failed to do what you both agreed they would do.

Let’s say you discover that your roommate ate the expensive ice cream you bought yourself yesterday. You are furious and want to yell at them but know that it will make your relationship unpleasant. You also recognize that your roommate might not have realized you didn’t want someone else to eat it. You would like to bring this issue to their attention in a calm manner so they will stop eating your ice cream.

It is important to remember that you have choices when dealing with a situation like this one. You can choose to respond aggressively, assertively or non-assertively. When you choose to communicate aggressively you are only concerned about your own needs. You could care less about your roommate or his situation. Typically, aggressive people communicate it ways that are destructive to the relationship and actually make them feel worse about themselves. Deep down they know they are acting like a jerk and nobody likes to be around someone like that.

Perhaps you already know that about aggressiveness and that’s why you choose not to yell at your roommate about the ice cream. Instead, you decide that it’s just ice cream and really you didn’t need to eat it anyway. You make a conscious choice to just let it go and ignore it. There is no sense in bringing up something so trivial. This is a nonassertive approach to the situation. Your lack of communication might be okay or it might make it easier for people to take advantage of you and not respect you. After a while, nonassertive methods can lead to us exploding after we’ve had just about enough of the disrespect and disregard for your feelings. This is why non-assertiveness isn’t the best strategy all of the time. Non-assertiveness basically tells others that your needs are unimportant but they can meet their needs at your expense. You are putting the needs of others above your own needs. It is important to note that this is absolutely necessary at times in our relationships. Especially in parent-child relationships and when we want to choose our battles. Sometimes it is okay to agree to eating Mexican food when really you wanted Chinese food.

Instead, we want to strive to use assertive communication when we are trying to get our needs met. With this type of communication, we get to stand up for our rights without denying the rights of others. In essence, we are saying my needs matter but so do yours. Getting back to the ice cream situation, let’s consider an assertive communication approach. Maybe you would say something like, “Hey man, you ate my ice cream and it is really expensive! Now I don’t have the money to buy more and I was looking forward to eating that tonight after my final exam. I want you to ask me before you eat my food. Do you understand that you need to ask next time?”

Notice, this message comes across as firm and clear. It is also concise and doesn’t include a bunch of unnecessary details about how much you love the ice cream and how upset you are. It also doesn’t overwhelm the receiver because it isn’t very long. When our assertive messages are too long and drawn out, the receiver has a greater chance of feeling annoyed or overwhelmed by what they might perceive is your lecture rather than a request. It also follows a simple 4-part formula for communicating assertively.

Part One: Describe the problem.
(Hey man, you are my ice cream and it is really expensive!)

Part Two: State how the problem affects you.
(Now I don’t have money to buy more and I was looking forward to eating it tonight.)

Part Three: Propose a solution.
(I want you to ask me before you eat my food.)

Part Four: Confirm understanding.
(Do you understand that you need to ask me next time?)

Consider this second example from the workplace. You work as the Sales Director at Carvana. You have assigned one of your most competent sales team members the task of compiling the sales report each week. Once you receive the report from them you review it to make sure everything looks accurate and is properly formatted. You add an executive summary and key highlights. Then, you turn it over to the Vice President of Sales who is your supervisor. The team member you are counting on to complete the report on time gave it to you at 5pm instead of 3pm when you asked for it and left for the evening. You end up staying until 6pm but have to leave to attend a family function. You weren’t able to review the report very thoroughly but still had to send it to the V.P. Of Sales. The next morning you want to communicate to your team member in an assertive manner rather than yelling at them because aggressive communication is never a good idea.

Here are the 4-parts outlined again along with the corresponding part of the message you will deliver to your team member.

1. PartOne: Describe the problem. Don’t evaluate it or judge it as good or bad. Instead describe what the problem is that you are facing in very specific terms. Don’t accuse or blame the other person.(Example) “The report you wrote was submitted after the deadline we agreed to.”
2. Part Two: State how the problem affects you. When others do certain things or communicate in certain ways it might have negative effects for you. This step allows you to tell the other person how you feel about the problem you described in Step 1.(Example) “I didn’t have enough time to review it before giving it to the Sales Director.”
3. Part Three: Propose solutions that seem cooperative. By cooperative I mean, the other person should have an easy time implementing your solution. The solution should also enable the receiver of your assertive message to save both positive and negative face. Remember, positive face is our desire to look good in front of others and have a positive image of ourselves. Negative face is our desire to do as we wish without others thinking poorly of us. Don’t threaten or act as though you’ll punish the receiver.(Example) “I need you to submit the report to me by the deadline we agree to.”
4. Part Four: Confirm understanding. At the end of your message you want to be sure the other person is aware of your request and doesn’t have any questions. It also opens a communication opportunity so the receiver can respond. This step is critical is demonstrating that while you are being assertive, you are aware of the other person’s needs and want to work with them to solve the problem so you are both satisfied. You must be sure to end this with a question mark and not a period. You are asking for a response from them to ensure they have understood and can do what you’ve asked in Step 3: Propose Solutions.(Example) “Are you able to submit it on time from now on?”

Here is the complete message you would deliver to your co-worker regarding the report being late.

“The report you wrote was submitted after the deadline we agreed to. (describe the problem) I didn’t have enough time to review it before giving it to the Sales Director. (state how it affects you) I need you to submit the report to me by the deadline we agree to. (propose solution) Are you able to submit it on time from now on? (confirm understanding)

Hopefully, now you can begin to communicate more assertively! It might seem awkward at first and others might not understand why your communication has changed. Just explain to them that this is a new method you are using to ensure your needs get met without denying anyone else’s needs. The more you practice this method and use it the more normal it will feel. You will also feel better knowing you are speaking up for yourself without yelling and being aggressive. Finally, even if you choose to be non-assertiveness sometimes you can do so without beginning to resent the other person for always getting their way. If we are primarily assertive, it makes those times of putting others needs above our own much easier to do and we can occasionally sacrifice our needs for the good of our relationship.